No thanks its a little too scary and unknown for me. (My mantra for the past 23 yrs. and 2 weeks).
Apparently I cannot take that attitude to Guatemala, so God is doing a little rearranging of my heart. This is what he is teaching me!
Walking by Faith is not seeing and saying oh okay now that I see what’s going on I’m going to walk by faith. Then when the next thing comes up saying oh no let me handle this, but don't worry I still have faith in God. No you don't have faith in God. I don't have faith in God. I have believed that the money for Guatemala will come in because I have known this is what God has planned for me. It is my passion to serve the hurting and broken children of Central America and to teach them a life of freedom in Christ, something that’s hard to know until you have experienced it!
But I lost my faith in God, meaning I lost my belief that there is a God. I have realized that I only have $1,300. I need almost $5,000. That didn't seem like so much money back in November. Back when I was accepted to do this internship and completely pumped about it. Back when the number 5,000 seemed so small and my God seemed so BIG. Sure I underestimated the economy, the hardships people in my own country are having. But, I have also underestimated how REALLY REALLY BIG GOD IS. And I have OVER estimated my faith in him. If I believe in God, the real one, the one in heaven that has healed people countless times, the one who watched as His son died on a cross to save the world even though we mocked Him, and then RAISED JESUS FROM THE DEAD. If I believe in THAT GOD than shame on me for starting to doubt that he could not bring the people into my life needed to reach a set amount that will allow me to go and share this minuscule faith I have. Wait what miniscule faith? Yep that’s exactly what I have. That’s probably the reason why I don't have the amount needed because I have needed to learn this lesson of what Faith is. The faith that I am now slowly starting to learn the true meaning of. This is the exact lesson I needed to learn if I am ever going to be able to truly share with people just how BIG HE IS. I still don't know quite how big he is, but I know he's bigger than any single thing that could ever come in my way or yours, or anyone. So now before I can fully see I am going to have FAITH IN GOD and in His word that claims he has a plan for me. I have been made to share the word of God and to serve Him. So I will do that right here, right where I am until my BIG GOD is ready to provide the means of doing it in Guatemala, where I believe He wants me.
I am so thankful for this lesson. Do I have a dime more than the $1,300 I had yesterday? No. Is God going to provide in His timing and according to His plan? YES!!! Is He going to do it according to mine? NOPE, sure isn't. I am okay with that...now. Now that He has taught me how to walk by Faith and not by Colleen. I have FAITH in God, so how can I not walk in Faith knowing Him? How can any of us?
Someone very smart said, Get on God’s plan and off Colleen’s. So I’m asking everyone to walk in faith with me because that is all we can do.
Well thats not all we can do, you can still purchase some Bruster’s ice cream ;)
